i spit on your grave AKA day of the woman

I Spit on Your Grave [Blu-ray]

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE /a.k.a/ DAY OF THE WOMAN  (1978)

      I want to start by saying the beginning of this movie is tough to watch. I actually had to fast forward quite a bit during the first half. But its also what make the last half hour sooo satisfying.

     Our heroine's story begins when she moves solo into a nice little lake house where she can find solitude to relax and write. But in no time four scumbag locals are constantly buzzing around her relentlessly. It is clear theres no peace to be had here.      

     

    The best of this movie is saved for the last 30 minutes, but it is well worth it. By this time you have gotten to know the characters and are totally ready for vengeance. And ohhh how sweet it is. Nothing better than seeing a beautiful and scorned women stick it to her perps. And GOOD!! A different sweet little plan is reserved for each of these losers. And each one is completely THOROUGH and extremely satisfying to watch. If your a sucker for revenge and sweet justice, but can stomach what it takes to get to that point, recommend!!                                                

So i guess all thats left to say is a word of advice all those date-rapists out there who cant get a chick: This could totally happen to you, dickface!!!!

Teenape Goes to Camp

Teenape Goes To Camp

TEENAPE GOES TO CAMP (2008)
director Chris Seaver

First off, this movie is super low buget. Actually, it is brought to you by "Low Budget Pictures".

Was not so sure, thought this would be hit or miss. During the first scene i was a little worried. This was not looking good. But ZING! All the sudden it is quite obvious, this movie is pretty awesome.

Teenape gets a call, its time to cash in a favor for his totally bitchy friend, Heather Bocila-jerkface or whatever her name is. He reluctantly agrees to help her out at camp being a fellow counselor, but only after a little convincing that there will be plenty of potential action...



And so we arrive at camp. And what a sight to see.

We have the typical horny chick. The dude that just wants to get laid.

Then a couple of um, sorry i guess mildy impaired girls would be the nicest way to put it. One accesorises with a flyswatter and one of those plastic-things-you-hit-in-some-game-i-cant-think-of in her hair. The other one has a mullet and a lisp. (not that there's anything wrong with that, just sayin') And some aweosmely huge glasses. She's painfully annoying, though. In an endearing sort of way. Brain damage, possibly? Then theres Bubbles. Dont really know what he is, but he likes pot. The super-nerdy dude with really big sword --(it cuts burritos, sushi, AND SOULS!!) Then there's the reallly cool dude. He's so cool. His name is choach and he's the master.

And of course the heshen. "NEVER FORGET THE NAME DIO." And thus the pethora of "tail" that teenape was promised.

                                                             

yep good luck with this group. But Heather quickly lays down the rules. Um, dont be dicks. If you remember to NOT be a DICK, then this weekend will be smoooth sailin.

But this weekend will NOT be smooth sailing for Teenape! :O

There are alterior motives for this little campy weekend getaway. Run teenape!!!

But wait, what it this? More surprises?! A "hoax" within a "hoax"! Who thought there could be so many twists and turns in a low budget masterpeice.

This movies not that long so you have no exuse not to watch it. So do it bitch!

Now lets get cleaned up and go get some Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

                                                              

                 

bio zombie

Bio Zombie
BIO ZOMBIE (1998)

subtitles NR

the reason i was fiending to see this was all based on the description "imagine Romero's 'Dawn of the Dead' with an Asian twist. japanese cult classic." One other review desribed it as a HK zombified version of 'Mallrats'. That pretty much sums up my taste in movies right there.

 basically, that adds up to 2 mall clerks and one bio-chemical crash which equals some very unlucky teenage mall-goers. hilarity ensues when they get tanked on saki and for some reason its portrayed as if they are on herion. is there a misunderstanding by the makers of this movie of the effects of alcohol? things get a little more "believeable" when cutie-honey barfs on her boyfriend mid make-out sesh. Best part: they continue to get it on.

Zombies are portrayed with a little more personalized charactristics as is the norm, *which makes it very heartfelt. Also, it explores the awkwardness of how it feels when your friend turns into a zombie. seriously, i hate that. so awkward.

"eat iiiit. eat iiiit."

anyway, yep... starts out a little wee bit slow but DEFINATELY picks up. seriously this movie gets better and better. Recommend!!

mall zombie scenarios will always be a favorite

the hall monitor

The Hall Monitor
THE HALL MONITOR (1999)
loyd kauffman/troma

hi peoples. with all my current library goodies netflix almost got ko'd and down for the count, but i can not let that happen! i will not let library trump netflix. So the Hall Monitor. I will let you know if you are not familiar with troma, its very low budget and not for everyone. personally i adore it. but most wont. thats just the breaks i guess.

opening scene, death metal CASSETTE tape gets eaten by the player. Of course, this captures my heart. Welcome to BO-TECH where the heshens are anal and eager to learn? and the jocks are cheerleaders are the source of much annoyance and disruption (what else is new :D ) and a guy in a carrot suit, who i never really did "get" but its troma so i dont try to hard to understand.

And of course. the student. who takes his job verrrry seriously. And hes got a gun. and sometimes an eye-twitch. basically, DONT FUCK WITH THE HALL MONITOR.

LIVE high school all over again!! SEE what happens when someone tries to cheat off the hall moniter!! EXPERIENCE troma in its glory!! (even though this one is not so "gory")

And always just make sure you remember. "IF YOU GOT SOMETHIN TO SAY... YOU RAISE YOUR HAND."

alice: darkness light darkness

AliceALICE DARKNESS LIGHT DARKNESS (1988)
jan svankmajer

                                                                  


     i came across this somehow, another one i cant believe ive never heard of...This is the most amazing adaptation of alice in wonderland i have EVER had the pleasure of experiencing.
   
   This movie has next to no dialogue. for example the only voice we hear is the girl who is living/telling the story. Every now we will hear something to this effect: " 'I shall be late', sighed the white rabbit." coming from a closeup of alices mouth.

    While staying extremely true to the traditional story of alice, this rendition is INSANE. I am terrified of this movie. In my opinion, this is the "Eraserhead" of all alices.


                                                                      

          a few of the first things we see starting are some skulls and beetles pinned to a wall. The white rabbit enters. His belly splits open and woodchips? pour out. he safety pins himself shut. This is NOT a cartoon, the characters are made of puppets and dolls and bones. And when i say puppets im not talking about some jim henson type shit. they are not made of cloth and cushy fabric.

      moving along, we see a tiny monkey cooking dinner on alices head, snipping of her hair for fuel to burn. later on, a carriage being drawn by such lovely little animal friends such as dead fish carcasses and cow skulls with chattering bones. The white rabbit sewing up a snakeskin body with a cowskullhead and funneling woodchips into its mouth. alice is played by a real girl, and when she shrinks she turns into a china doll. I wont say anymore but all the characters are here, in ways you've never imagined. Or maybe you have. I am convinced the people involved in this were on heavy drugs. Im not talking about weed or lsd. More like belladonna or something to that effect.

                                                                          
This movie makes me extremely happy and i will cry a  room full of tears until i own it. Until then i will not be complete. If you have ANY interest in Alice in Wonderland and the obsure, and have an appreciation for amazing cinematography and unbelievable creativity i HIGHLY suggest you watch this. And i am talking to a few specific girlfriends right here: PUT THIS ON YOUR NETFLIX. NOW. Has anyone else watched this? please i am curious if any of my friends have seen this...

I am now on the hunt for any other films by jan svankmajer

the suicide club.

Suicide Club (Suicide Circle)

*THE SUICIDE CLUB* (2002)
       
--foreign/subtitles-

        Not for weak hearts or weak stomachs: Starts right off the jump with a bang...mass suicide, 54 school girls. and doesnt stop...

                                                             
 This movie had me from the first minute. a trend of group suicides is what's happening all through the surrounding areas, and it evolves into a classic murder mystery...Why is this happening? who is responsible? perhaps it has to do with the super cheesy bubblegum pop super group that is constantly popping in and out, some mass internet cult, or is it something deeper? is it really suicide, or is it murder? true feelings are felt, creepiness and sadness. And i actually felt for the cops in this one huuuuhhhhh??? whaaa?? definately doesnt bore and makes you think and question...this is actually worthy of watching twice in the same night, or maybe im just weird. OH, and this:

yep. personally, i say  this is a classic. although there are a couple offputting parts, like some really weird music/and one suuuper strange little ditty, and the ending leaves a little to be desired...still one of the best in my book. not just a must-see, but a CRUCIAL part of the collection. That is, if we have similar tastes...

<3 xoxo

                                                       

blood feast.

*BLOOD FEAST* (1963)

        This movie's kinda good and kinda bad. Its supposedly one of the first gore films, and it definately has some really good moments, but will not be appreciated by all, im sure...

A spree of gruesome murders hits Miami and some one is killin for parts. How else can you have a traditional Egyptian blood feast without authentic body parts?! Lucky for Suzy her birthday's coming up and her mom will spare no expense for her princess. So she goes to the local caterer, GUESS WHO! (this is not a spoiler, the killer is shown right off the bat.) She is promised an authentic Egyptian feast that no one has seen the likes of for 5000 years. I would think thats pretty weird, but he seemed to have that dracula hypnotizing effect for a moment, so who can resist that from a total creeper? The gore factor is pretty up there and of course its quite hilarious at times. If you are a scary movie buff i think its definately worth watching.

                                                                          

who can kill a child?.

*WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?* (1976)

the opening real footage of the holocaust and other tragedies is a little disturbing, but i guess is necessary to start (although Im SURE some peole would think its exploitation for entertainment purposes, which is sort of the first thought i had)...
A couple on vacay go to check out an island, and it quickly becomes apparent there is no one around...wait, not no one, just children. some weird, creepy ass chillins.

And then! Muhhhhrrdahhhh!! i say, this movie is rather creepy. i mean, what is really eerier than a giggling murderous child? although i may have missed the part where it explained why they didnt just immediately get back on their boat and high tail it out of there. They definately wait a lil too long to realize its time to go. oh well. such as any good scary movie, i suppose...

so that about wraps it up...i suppose that leads me to answer the question of true morals that the title of the movie poses, which it a toughie, i suppose: 'Who can kill a child?' I mean, could you rrrreally kill a little itty bitty kiddie? Uh, yeah. Definately this girl. I would have absolutely NO problem offing one of these little fuckers. Welp, have fun kids! XOXO

the science of sleep.

*THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP* (2005)


Welcome to Stephane TV. An aspiring artist and inventor who stumbles into a new job and life and potential love interest who he shares a creative bond, but cant figure out how to turn their friendship into something more. and welcome to his head. crazy visions and dreams-capes. This movie is 80percent dreamworld, and at times reminds me of liquid television type stuff which i adore.

As the movie goes on its gets hard to decipher where the waking life ends and the dreaming starts...but it doesn't really matter. so fun to watch and no boredom whatsoever...AND complete with the cutest rendition of Velvet Underground's 'After Hours' (all words are changed but its most def the song, one of my favs by the velvet underground :) which his fellow employees prompt him to serenade his object of affection while wearing some  racoon suits or something(in a dream, of course). Anyway, there is so much beauty in this movie! Oh, and its funny! 

                                                 
                                                             

delicatessen.

*DELICATESSEN* (1991)

Wow. this movie rules.
Filmed in an eerily dreamy style, this has element that seriously make a really good movie: Forbidden love, cannibalism, underground scheisty badguys and random frogs!
Premise: A struggling clown responds to an ad for a maintence man at an apartment complex. Himself and the butchers daughter form a close friendship amidst a community of total weirdos...Another little problem, she must save her new friend from being hacked up and turned into next weeks menu.
Oh by the way its foreign, so if subtitles bother you sorry, your missing out. This isnt the campy b movie you might expect from me. (For those turned off by the cannibalistic factor, its from the director of Amelie so that should give you a general idea of the all around feel) You should really check this out. Its kind of weird and pretty brilliant and i like it ALOT. Dare I say, I give it 5 out of 5 slices of mystery meat! Mmmm TASTY!

night of the comet.

*NIGHT OF THE COMET*(1984)




  OPEN: teenage movie theater employee, tearin up some arcade games. times get tough. flash foward to her and her valley-girl sister, toting guns. zombies. people turning to dust. super 80's out soundtrack featuring olivia newton john and cyndi lauper. awesome looking landscape shots. And with such loveable dialoge as "I just swallowed my gum" and "Daddy wouldve gotten us uzi's" ....really what is not to like. classic fo sho.